Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
