You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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