the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize