So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
