I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
