Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i think im in europe. pls send help
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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