And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
