I faked an abortion last night.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
