last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize