the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
