R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
