she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
