We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
