We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
