Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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