I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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