You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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