My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
