final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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