Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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