I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
