I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
