If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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