I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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