oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
