she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
