I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
