I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
