My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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