So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
