that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
