jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
