I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
