I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
