he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
