did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
