Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
