If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
