Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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