the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
