You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
