its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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