The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
