I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
