I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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