Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
