obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You don't make any sense
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