she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
