best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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