My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
