You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
