I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
