That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
