On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
