Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
