did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
