I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
