Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
