Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
