how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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