Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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