I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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