was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
