I just saw a hot homeless man
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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