I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
